You’d be forgiven for thinking I never give you anything – as up until this point I have given you little save a grin on your face and a rash on your mouth. But you are in for a treat this evening word fans – behold some real-life journalism. No, not from me. You know me better than that.
My good friend Eden Vance recently wrote an article for the LSE (London School of Economics) Newspaper regarding globalisation and the hardships facing illegal migrants. It’s her first ever published piece, and I am immensely impressed by it. So sit back, and enjoy some quality penmanship for a change (click image to enlarge).
I hoped it would never have to come to this – but I’m going to have to start this article with a disclaimer. Thankfully no vicars, small boys, or indeed small girls form a part of this dissociation.
Disclaimer – I have never met, spoken to, written to, seduced, followed, or in any other way communicated with the red-haired genius behind the following videos. I just think they’re great.
The Elegant Guide is a six-part web comedy series written and presented by Ella Morton.
“Ella is a writer, actor and host with a penchant for absurdity and a fondness for dispensing questionable advice. She is the New York correspondent for the popular daily web show Rocketboom and maintains Sprinkle of Ginger, a blog about creativity, inspiration and social awkwardness.”
I’ll pull myself back from spinning lines such as “The Elegant Guide is refreshingly funny”, or “The Elegant Guide is a breath of fresh air”, simply because that’s lazy journalism, and this is certainly not. Journalism.
What I will say is I’ve watched all three of the currently released episodes several times each now, and they get a laugh each time. So go on, give in to the Elegant Guide.
You know the drill. Here, for one last time, is what will be happening in the world in October – December, 2010.
October 2010
October saw the worst case of ‘mild’ throughout the country since records began. People up and down the UK have reported temperatures reaching mild conditions like they’ve never experienced. One London resident reported -
“What is this? Is this weather?”
While a Yorkshire MP was quoted to have said -
“It’s only a bit of mild, we can cope with it up here. It’s those Southern fairies that have to watch out, they can’t cope at the best of times”
Sky News ran with the story all week, reporting frantically under the subject “Isn’t it funny when the news is the weather and the weather is the news”. Further mild conditions have been forecast for November.
November 2010
In November Google launched the latest iPhone, the iPhone 3GSTi. Previous iPhone owners will notice many similarities to previous models, however the defining feature of the new model is it’s collection of exclusive in-build applications, built to live up to the name and power of the 3GSTi.
Need a pregnancy test after coming home in the small hours of the morning with your knickers around your ankles and the lingering sour smell of fags and regret? There’s an app for that. Simple open up the Pregnancy Test app, and when instructed, pee on your iPhone screen.
After leaving it a few minutes, your phone should give you a vaguely accurate reading – probably along the lines of “Stop pissing on me, you mental woman”.
December 2010
The 2010 X Factor finals came to a close in December with the winner, Roger McRacken from Bolton gaining the UK Christmas Number 1 after a 90’s band couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in to stop them this time around. Upon hearing the news Simon Cowell masturbated in time to the beat of the most likely terrible song, using pulped £100 notes as lubricant while wiping away his tears of joy with a golden handkerchief made from the hair of babies.
Cheryl Cole was once again the winning judge, gaining herself a couple of extra £K in the bag, and unlimited use of Cowell’s master suite whenever Ashley is being a dick.
Louis Walsh, once again, had the group category. He was reportedly furious, though wouldn’t let on. In an interview during the early stages of the show he exclamed -
“My acts are utterly appalling this year. Really bad. But the voting public are idiots, there’s always hope”
And hope there was, with one of Louis acts, Miss Hyde, coming in at second place. Upon being interviewed after the final, Dannii Minogue said something, we’re sure of it, but we just couldn’t see her face move.
Only Logical will return to regular broadcasting, next week.
Looking ahead, what does July to September have in store for us you ask? Well you’ll be happy to hear I have all the answers once more. Roll film…
July 2010
July saw the hottest English summer on record, with temperatures soaring above lukewarm. Children heading off on their first holiday without their parents were warned to keep levels of alcohol in their bodies to a minimum, the government suggesting only 5-6 units of alcohol in any one child at any time, due to an incident at the start of the month whereby a born-again Christian child, aged eighteen, after a long round of truth or bottle took up the challenge to urinate on a Christian bus, handily located mere feet from his basic holiday accommodation.
Friends of the self-named child were quoted to have said -
“Isn’t that Christian bus used for disabled children?”
Gordon Brown was available to comment, but we were busy.
August 2010
The festival season ended on a sour note at the end of August with the 2010 Reading and Leeds Festivals drawing in thousands upon thousands of scrotty little cunts*.
I’m not just talking your average wankers. This is on a whole different level. Imagine you, in your early twenties, have just walked into a sixth form common room where everybody is a little ‘wacky’ (or, ‘a bellend’, as they are known in later life). Now imagine they’re all wearing straw hats, with their shirts off. They’ve probably got some sort of florescent pain on their body, and they’ll swap you some Harbio for a can. They’re the sort of total dicks plaguing the 2010 festival for our pleasure.
Still, look on the bright side; Razorlight are headli… oh.
* Credit for this line goes entirely to my area manager, I’ve forgotten his name, while working at said festival in 2008.
September 2010
BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SCHOOL, EVERYBODY GO BACK TO SCHOOL. In September, Miley Cryus had to take a break from filming the sequel to her hit feature film ‘Miley Cyrus: Take Me As You Will’ to go back to school after complains from parents flooded the internet suggesting that she’s a total fucking idiot. I disagree. Mental? Yes. An idiot? Decide for yourself -
Two months into this website comes the first ‘Sorry for taking it slowly recently’. They’re not bad odds, and I have genuinely been busy. Did everybody have a good new years? I was here -
To get the ‘full picture’ of my amazing view, imagine watching this video from the opposite side of the river with one hand over your left eye, and the other hand obscuring most of your vision on your right eye. We were stood under a bridge.
Still, it was a great night with some amazing people. at 12.10am it snowed solidly for ten minutes, prompting cries of “It’s magic, it’s beautiful, it’s 2010″. In the spirit of things I may have commended on the snow being the work of Boris Johnson (Mayor of London) thanks to our recent steep rise in transport charges, but this was met with stern looks by the British public – and so it should have been. 2010 is exciting. 2010 is everybody’s ‘best year yet’, and with good reason. Let’s see what April – June has in store for us…
April 2010
April saw heavy snowfall across the UK in what could only be described by the Daily Mail as “Completely down to immigrants”, by the Guardian as “SNOWBLOG, LIVE BLOG, ROUND TWO!” and by the Express as “Completely intolerable, Diana wouldn’t have stood for it”.
Massive idiots complained across popular social networking sites, Twatter, Facewank and the BBC’s Have Your Say forum, displaying disbelief that the country had once again gone into standstill due to a ‘tiny little bit of snow’. One such idiot, Chelsea from Hackney, said “BluhsdasdasdjKAD”, while this utter moron, Benjamin from Streatham Hill said -
Benjamin needs to learn that Narnia jokes haven't been funny for several years, if they ever really were at all
May 2010
A second series of Surgery Live on Channel 4, hosted by your friend and mine, Krishnan Guru-Murthy came onto our screens in May. Following on from last years successful first run, the second series of Surgery Live, subtitled ‘the Switch’ saw real life surgeons handing over the reigns to Guru-Murthy as he attempted to perform life-saving surgery on several unaware patients over the course of the series.
However don’t look over this series as a simple gore-fest. Each week the surgeon involved in the programme has to present the show while Guru-Murthy works, creating just as many amusing moments as they mess up their auto-cues, as Guru-Murthy makes when he accidentally cuts the blue wire. Compelling viewing.
June 2010
In June Gordon Ramsay returned to our screens with his most controversial series yet, The C Word. Ramsay said the decision to ramp up the show (previously titled The F Word) came after it became apparent that the British public had become desensitised to regular levels of swearing.
“It’s all “Fuck this, fuck you, I fucked your mum, she fucked me back” nowadays, said Ramsay in a statement. “It’s no longer shocking, it’s no longer hip. If I ask my son if he’s done his homework he tells me to fuck off – not as an act of rebellion, that’s just the way the world speaks now. The little cunt”.
Benjamin Spall lives to laugh. He does little else. Only Logical compromises of commentaries and compositions written on a semi-regular basis. For further information, visit the about page.
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