I no longer watch the news. For the past twenty-one years (I assume I watched it upon birth) it has served as a never ending depressing soap opera of pain and misery. I ditched Eastenders for similar reasons.
I used to watch it as often as you could imagine. In the mornings, in the afternoons, in the evenings, and sometimes even at night. If I was having a really good week, I’d even watch ‘the Big Questions‘ with Nicky Campbell on Sunday mornings so I could get annoyed over each and every moral, ethical, and indeed religious issue that was raised.
“What do you do now?”, I hear you shout from behind your newspaper. Now, I bypass all news altogether. Once a day I will check online to see what’s going on – quickly concluding that I’m not bothered, and thus getting on with my life. The news is fucking miserable. I know it, you know it – even the newsreaders themselves know it. Nobody can ignore the look of pure joy and happiness that comes up on a newsreaders face as they begin the ‘And finally…’ story at the end of the bulletin.
“And finally… [smile] Smudge, a cheeky little cat from Dorset [bigger smile] caused havoc in his home town today when he escaped onto the roof of a local pub, eventually entering the building through it’s chimney! [joyful laugh]. Not to worry though, Smudge was soon rescued from the burning embers of his catastrophic[snorting laughter] adventure, and is set to make a full recovery [smiling down, at a monitor, most likely still featuring a photo of the cat - if another newsreader is present they will "Ahhh" in unison at this point]. Now, a reminder of tonight’s main headlines: [stern, emotionless, desperate sad face] We’re all going to die.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting the news should be filled with “And finally…” stories. For one, that would be impossible – as nothing can finally happen for the first time – but more importantly; it would be shit. There are hundreds of stories like Smudge’s out there, and thousands more containing all forms of mangled animals as the star. Of course these stories don’t even have to be about animals, they could be about absolutely anything – as long as it’s shit and you can imagine a loner telling you all about it in the queue at the post office in all it’s fine tedious detail – it will fit the news.
I will not go on for hours about how the news is designed to scare you, to make everyday tasks fill you with apprehension and nerves, as we all know this already. If you want to dig deeper into the subject of depressing manipulative news, look no further than miserable writer Charlie Brooker with his downright brilliant show Newswipe. A thirty-minute compilation of the past two series can be seen here.
Instead I will offer a simple solution. A solution I chose a couple of months ago and haven’t looked back on since:
STOP WATCHING THE NEWS.
The news shouldn’t have to stop for me, for you, or for anybody else. Some could argue that it’s important – I’ll have to meet them halfway on that one. The news is a necessity, and we are lucky to have it for what it is – something that, much like a long-term girlfriend, we can dip in and out of whenever we please. Rather than starting your day with the news, start your day with music, or the radio (though try not to resent the radio too much when it starts to read you the news).
Take my advice, ditch the news. One by one, we will all cheer the fuck up.
You’d be forgiven for thinking I never give you anything – as up until this point I have given you little save a grin on your face and a rash on your mouth. But you are in for a treat this evening word fans – behold some real-life journalism. No, not from me. You know me better than that.
My good friend Eden Vance recently wrote an article for the LSE (London School of Economics) Newspaper regarding globalisation and the hardships facing illegal migrants. It’s her first ever published piece, and I am immensely impressed by it. So sit back, and enjoy some quality penmanship for a change (click image to enlarge).
You know the drill. Here, for one last time, is what will be happening in the world in October – December, 2010.
October 2010
October saw the worst case of ‘mild’ throughout the country since records began. People up and down the UK have reported temperatures reaching mild conditions like they’ve never experienced. One London resident reported -
“What is this? Is this weather?”
While a Yorkshire MP was quoted to have said -
“It’s only a bit of mild, we can cope with it up here. It’s those Southern fairies that have to watch out, they can’t cope at the best of times”
Sky News ran with the story all week, reporting frantically under the subject “Isn’t it funny when the news is the weather and the weather is the news”. Further mild conditions have been forecast for November.
November 2010
In November Google launched the latest iPhone, the iPhone 3GSTi. Previous iPhone owners will notice many similarities to previous models, however the defining feature of the new model is it’s collection of exclusive in-build applications, built to live up to the name and power of the 3GSTi.
Need a pregnancy test after coming home in the small hours of the morning with your knickers around your ankles and the lingering sour smell of fags and regret? There’s an app for that. Simple open up the Pregnancy Test app, and when instructed, pee on your iPhone screen.
After leaving it a few minutes, your phone should give you a vaguely accurate reading – probably along the lines of “Stop pissing on me, you mental woman”.
December 2010
The 2010 X Factor finals came to a close in December with the winner, Roger McRacken from Bolton gaining the UK Christmas Number 1 after a 90’s band couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in to stop them this time around. Upon hearing the news Simon Cowell masturbated in time to the beat of the most likely terrible song, using pulped £100 notes as lubricant while wiping away his tears of joy with a golden handkerchief made from the hair of babies.
Cheryl Cole was once again the winning judge, gaining herself a couple of extra £K in the bag, and unlimited use of Cowell’s master suite whenever Ashley is being a dick.
Louis Walsh, once again, had the group category. He was reportedly furious, though wouldn’t let on. In an interview during the early stages of the show he exclamed -
“My acts are utterly appalling this year. Really bad. But the voting public are idiots, there’s always hope”
And hope there was, with one of Louis acts, Miss Hyde, coming in at second place. Upon being interviewed after the final, Dannii Minogue said something, we’re sure of it, but we just couldn’t see her face move.
Only Logical will return to regular broadcasting, next week.
Two months into this website comes the first ‘Sorry for taking it slowly recently’. They’re not bad odds, and I have genuinely been busy. Did everybody have a good new years? I was here -
To get the ‘full picture’ of my amazing view, imagine watching this video from the opposite side of the river with one hand over your left eye, and the other hand obscuring most of your vision on your right eye. We were stood under a bridge.
Still, it was a great night with some amazing people. at 12.10am it snowed solidly for ten minutes, prompting cries of “It’s magic, it’s beautiful, it’s 2010″. In the spirit of things I may have commended on the snow being the work of Boris Johnson (Mayor of London) thanks to our recent steep rise in transport charges, but this was met with stern looks by the British public – and so it should have been. 2010 is exciting. 2010 is everybody’s ‘best year yet’, and with good reason. Let’s see what April – June has in store for us…
April 2010
April saw heavy snowfall across the UK in what could only be described by the Daily Mail as “Completely down to immigrants”, by the Guardian as “SNOWBLOG, LIVE BLOG, ROUND TWO!” and by the Express as “Completely intolerable, Diana wouldn’t have stood for it”.
Massive idiots complained across popular social networking sites, Twatter, Facewank and the BBC’s Have Your Say forum, displaying disbelief that the country had once again gone into standstill due to a ‘tiny little bit of snow’. One such idiot, Chelsea from Hackney, said “BluhsdasdasdjKAD”, while this utter moron, Benjamin from Streatham Hill said -
Benjamin needs to learn that Narnia jokes haven't been funny for several years, if they ever really were at all
May 2010
A second series of Surgery Live on Channel 4, hosted by your friend and mine, Krishnan Guru-Murthy came onto our screens in May. Following on from last years successful first run, the second series of Surgery Live, subtitled ‘the Switch’ saw real life surgeons handing over the reigns to Guru-Murthy as he attempted to perform life-saving surgery on several unaware patients over the course of the series.
However don’t look over this series as a simple gore-fest. Each week the surgeon involved in the programme has to present the show while Guru-Murthy works, creating just as many amusing moments as they mess up their auto-cues, as Guru-Murthy makes when he accidentally cuts the blue wire. Compelling viewing.
June 2010
In June Gordon Ramsay returned to our screens with his most controversial series yet, The C Word. Ramsay said the decision to ramp up the show (previously titled The F Word) came after it became apparent that the British public had become desensitised to regular levels of swearing.
“It’s all “Fuck this, fuck you, I fucked your mum, she fucked me back” nowadays, said Ramsay in a statement. “It’s no longer shocking, it’s no longer hip. If I ask my son if he’s done his homework he tells me to fuck off – not as an act of rebellion, that’s just the way the world speaks now. The little cunt”.
In a totally unashamed take on David Mitchell’s column in today’s Observer, over the next four articles I shall compile a look into the future. What does 2010 hold for us? Will the world end? Is it only just beginning? How many flashes of Gaga’s Gaga will we be subjected to this year? Find out the answers to none of these questions by casting your eyes half an inch below.
January 2010
The year starts with much celebration and anticipation. It’s 2010! TWO-THOUSAND AND TEN. TEN. We’re practically the fucking Jetsons.
January’s news primarily revolves around the party held at the White House in celebration of Obama’s first year in office. Scandal erupts after it emerges the puppy Barack and Michelle offered their children has still yet to arrive. They go fucking mental, screaming the house down. Michelle offers them a rabbit in the meantime, but, as the children rightly point out – what can a rabbit do. It’s a useless pet by anybody’s standards.
February 2010
February 2010 will forever be known as ‘the Month of the Celebrity Age-Differences’. The start of February saw the announcement by two members of the Saturdays, probably one of the ones that used to be in S Club Juniors, and one of the ones that didn’t, describing how they had both started relationships with the Chuckle Brothers.
This bold move, probably by Frankie and one of the other ones, sparked celebrities in similar situations to come clean. Ann Widdecombe announced she has been in committed relationships with the cast of Blue Peter for the past twenty years, while one of the Olsen twins, she’s not sure which one, is reported to be dating the ghost of Christmas Past.
A spokesman for ‘the Protection of ADRSHIPS (Age-Differentiated Relation-SHIPS)’, said he “Hold[s] a lot of respect to these celebrities for facing up to their demons and opening up in a public field about their relationships”.
March 2010
In March Saddam Hussein came back to rage an episode of terror over us all once again, only to get his plans foiled by a small boy and his intelligent-yet-dull sister.
Saddam is known as a recurring character amongst viewers. Originally working as a sideshow clown on a low-budget American cable channel, Saddam started a rage of terror against the small, as yet unnamed, boy after he foiled his attempted to frame his boss during an armed robbery of the local corner shop. Since being sentenced for fraud and robbery, Saddam has come back year on year with one goal in mind, to kill the boy – once being cited as getting a tattoo done displaying the words “Die, [boys name], die”.
March’s incident with Saddam – involving two cats, a Casio watch and a copy of Zadie Smith’s ‘White Teeth’ – was minor compared to past occurrences, including the ‘episodes’ in which he ran for Mayor of the city, tried to murder the boys family on a boat, and failed to blow up the boys aunt in a horrific gas attack.
Benjamin Spall lives to laugh. He does little else. Only Logical compromises of commentaries and compositions written on a semi-regular basis. For further information, visit the about page.
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