You know the drill. Here, for one last time, is what will be happening in the world in October – December, 2010.
October 2010
October saw the worst case of ‘mild’ throughout the country since records began. People up and down the UK have reported temperatures reaching mild conditions like they’ve never experienced. One London resident reported -
“What is this? Is this weather?”
While a Yorkshire MP was quoted to have said -
“It’s only a bit of mild, we can cope with it up here. It’s those Southern fairies that have to watch out, they can’t cope at the best of times”
Sky News ran with the story all week, reporting frantically under the subject “Isn’t it funny when the news is the weather and the weather is the news”. Further mild conditions have been forecast for November.
November 2010
In November Google launched the latest iPhone, the iPhone 3GSTi. Previous iPhone owners will notice many similarities to previous models, however the defining feature of the new model is it’s collection of exclusive in-build applications, built to live up to the name and power of the 3GSTi.
Need a pregnancy test after coming home in the small hours of the morning with your knickers around your ankles and the lingering sour smell of fags and regret? There’s an app for that. Simple open up the Pregnancy Test app, and when instructed, pee on your iPhone screen.
After leaving it a few minutes, your phone should give you a vaguely accurate reading – probably along the lines of “Stop pissing on me, you mental woman”.
December 2010
The 2010 X Factor finals came to a close in December with the winner, Roger McRacken from Bolton gaining the UK Christmas Number 1 after a 90’s band couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in to stop them this time around. Upon hearing the news Simon Cowell masturbated in time to the beat of the most likely terrible song, using pulped £100 notes as lubricant while wiping away his tears of joy with a golden handkerchief made from the hair of babies.
Cheryl Cole was once again the winning judge, gaining herself a couple of extra £K in the bag, and unlimited use of Cowell’s master suite whenever Ashley is being a dick.
Louis Walsh, once again, had the group category. He was reportedly furious, though wouldn’t let on. In an interview during the early stages of the show he exclamed -
“My acts are utterly appalling this year. Really bad. But the voting public are idiots, there’s always hope”
And hope there was, with one of Louis acts, Miss Hyde, coming in at second place. Upon being interviewed after the final, Dannii Minogue said something, we’re sure of it, but we just couldn’t see her face move.
Only Logical will return to regular broadcasting, next week.
Looking ahead, what does July to September have in store for us you ask? Well you’ll be happy to hear I have all the answers once more. Roll film…
July 2010
July saw the hottest English summer on record, with temperatures soaring above lukewarm. Children heading off on their first holiday without their parents were warned to keep levels of alcohol in their bodies to a minimum, the government suggesting only 5-6 units of alcohol in any one child at any time, due to an incident at the start of the month whereby a born-again Christian child, aged eighteen, after a long round of truth or bottle took up the challenge to urinate on a Christian bus, handily located mere feet from his basic holiday accommodation.
Friends of the self-named child were quoted to have said -
“Isn’t that Christian bus used for disabled children?”
Gordon Brown was available to comment, but we were busy.
August 2010
The festival season ended on a sour note at the end of August with the 2010 Reading and Leeds Festivals drawing in thousands upon thousands of scrotty little cunts*.
I’m not just talking your average wankers. This is on a whole different level. Imagine you, in your early twenties, have just walked into a sixth form common room where everybody is a little ‘wacky’ (or, ‘a bellend’, as they are known in later life). Now imagine they’re all wearing straw hats, with their shirts off. They’ve probably got some sort of florescent pain on their body, and they’ll swap you some Harbio for a can. They’re the sort of total dicks plaguing the 2010 festival for our pleasure.
Still, look on the bright side; Razorlight are headli… oh.
* Credit for this line goes entirely to my area manager, I’ve forgotten his name, while working at said festival in 2008.
September 2010
BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SCHOOL, EVERYBODY GO BACK TO SCHOOL. In September, Miley Cryus had to take a break from filming the sequel to her hit feature film ‘Miley Cyrus: Take Me As You Will’ to go back to school after complains from parents flooded the internet suggesting that she’s a total fucking idiot. I disagree. Mental? Yes. An idiot? Decide for yourself -
Two months into this website comes the first ‘Sorry for taking it slowly recently’. They’re not bad odds, and I have genuinely been busy. Did everybody have a good new years? I was here -
To get the ‘full picture’ of my amazing view, imagine watching this video from the opposite side of the river with one hand over your left eye, and the other hand obscuring most of your vision on your right eye. We were stood under a bridge.
Still, it was a great night with some amazing people. at 12.10am it snowed solidly for ten minutes, prompting cries of “It’s magic, it’s beautiful, it’s 2010″. In the spirit of things I may have commended on the snow being the work of Boris Johnson (Mayor of London) thanks to our recent steep rise in transport charges, but this was met with stern looks by the British public – and so it should have been. 2010 is exciting. 2010 is everybody’s ‘best year yet’, and with good reason. Let’s see what April – June has in store for us…
April 2010
April saw heavy snowfall across the UK in what could only be described by the Daily Mail as “Completely down to immigrants”, by the Guardian as “SNOWBLOG, LIVE BLOG, ROUND TWO!” and by the Express as “Completely intolerable, Diana wouldn’t have stood for it”.
Massive idiots complained across popular social networking sites, Twatter, Facewank and the BBC’s Have Your Say forum, displaying disbelief that the country had once again gone into standstill due to a ‘tiny little bit of snow’. One such idiot, Chelsea from Hackney, said “BluhsdasdasdjKAD”, while this utter moron, Benjamin from Streatham Hill said -
Benjamin needs to learn that Narnia jokes haven't been funny for several years, if they ever really were at all
May 2010
A second series of Surgery Live on Channel 4, hosted by your friend and mine, Krishnan Guru-Murthy came onto our screens in May. Following on from last years successful first run, the second series of Surgery Live, subtitled ‘the Switch’ saw real life surgeons handing over the reigns to Guru-Murthy as he attempted to perform life-saving surgery on several unaware patients over the course of the series.
However don’t look over this series as a simple gore-fest. Each week the surgeon involved in the programme has to present the show while Guru-Murthy works, creating just as many amusing moments as they mess up their auto-cues, as Guru-Murthy makes when he accidentally cuts the blue wire. Compelling viewing.
June 2010
In June Gordon Ramsay returned to our screens with his most controversial series yet, The C Word. Ramsay said the decision to ramp up the show (previously titled The F Word) came after it became apparent that the British public had become desensitised to regular levels of swearing.
“It’s all “Fuck this, fuck you, I fucked your mum, she fucked me back” nowadays, said Ramsay in a statement. “It’s no longer shocking, it’s no longer hip. If I ask my son if he’s done his homework he tells me to fuck off – not as an act of rebellion, that’s just the way the world speaks now. The little cunt”.
In a totally unashamed take on David Mitchell’s column in today’s Observer, over the next four articles I shall compile a look into the future. What does 2010 hold for us? Will the world end? Is it only just beginning? How many flashes of Gaga’s Gaga will we be subjected to this year? Find out the answers to none of these questions by casting your eyes half an inch below.
January 2010
The year starts with much celebration and anticipation. It’s 2010! TWO-THOUSAND AND TEN. TEN. We’re practically the fucking Jetsons.
January’s news primarily revolves around the party held at the White House in celebration of Obama’s first year in office. Scandal erupts after it emerges the puppy Barack and Michelle offered their children has still yet to arrive. They go fucking mental, screaming the house down. Michelle offers them a rabbit in the meantime, but, as the children rightly point out – what can a rabbit do. It’s a useless pet by anybody’s standards.
February 2010
February 2010 will forever be known as ‘the Month of the Celebrity Age-Differences’. The start of February saw the announcement by two members of the Saturdays, probably one of the ones that used to be in S Club Juniors, and one of the ones that didn’t, describing how they had both started relationships with the Chuckle Brothers.
This bold move, probably by Frankie and one of the other ones, sparked celebrities in similar situations to come clean. Ann Widdecombe announced she has been in committed relationships with the cast of Blue Peter for the past twenty years, while one of the Olsen twins, she’s not sure which one, is reported to be dating the ghost of Christmas Past.
A spokesman for ‘the Protection of ADRSHIPS (Age-Differentiated Relation-SHIPS)’, said he “Hold[s] a lot of respect to these celebrities for facing up to their demons and opening up in a public field about their relationships”.
March 2010
In March Saddam Hussein came back to rage an episode of terror over us all once again, only to get his plans foiled by a small boy and his intelligent-yet-dull sister.
Saddam is known as a recurring character amongst viewers. Originally working as a sideshow clown on a low-budget American cable channel, Saddam started a rage of terror against the small, as yet unnamed, boy after he foiled his attempted to frame his boss during an armed robbery of the local corner shop. Since being sentenced for fraud and robbery, Saddam has come back year on year with one goal in mind, to kill the boy – once being cited as getting a tattoo done displaying the words “Die, [boys name], die”.
March’s incident with Saddam – involving two cats, a Casio watch and a copy of Zadie Smith’s ‘White Teeth’ – was minor compared to past occurrences, including the ‘episodes’ in which he ran for Mayor of the city, tried to murder the boys family on a boat, and failed to blow up the boys aunt in a horrific gas attack.
Everybody younger than yourself is dreadful and careless in everything they do. Correct. Or at least that’s how the story should play out.
I’m at the age now whereby somebody can be a world famous athlete/singer/actor/x-factor contestant and not only be younger than myself, but their age isn’t even seen as an issue. No Fearne Cotton fanfair, no Emma Watson birthday countdown, nothing.
I recently found out that Rebecca Adlington, the Gold medal winning Olympic swimmer, is twenty years old – a year younger than myself. I have no issue with her winning a gold medal or two, well done to her, what I’ve got a problem with is the fact that it wasn’t reported as incredible that a girl of her young age (she would have been nineteen at the time) had been able to manage such a feat – how at this age we’re still children, and any success greater than going out without managing to be sick on ourselves more than once a week should be seen as a triumph.
But no, it was seen as a normal thing. Sure, she became the nations Diana for a couple of weeks, but by no means due to her age.
This brings me neatly on to School of Comedy – an E4 production that’s been airing for the best part of a month. If you haven’t seen it I’ll break it down for you: It’s a sketch show (sounds shit), where all the actors are about sixteen (sounds shitter).
The name alone, accompanied by flashbacks of a dreadful, dreadful film of a similar name is enough to force anybody to take the easy option by sticking their head into a techno-bucket tuned into re-runs of Live From Studio Five for the whole of eternity, but, due to the persistence of my flatmate, I gave in.
And am I glad I did.
Despite having everything against it and looking somewhat like a formula configured by adding letters together, Countdown style, to form an entire television show – it is fantastic.
You’re unconvinced, and you have every right to me. Sixteen years olds shouldn’t be fantastic comedians – they really shouldn’t. The last sixteen year old I saw asked on a crowded bus of adults, unashamedly and with no fear “Which one of you fuckers opened the window? It’s like the fuckin’ Arctic in here”. None of us fuckers owned up.
Obviously huge credit to the success of the show must go to the writers, but this should not overshadow the talent of these young actors, for making me totally eat my words and more significantly my preconceptions. School of Comedy is a incredibly funny comedy sketch show which uses ideas so simple yet so fantastically executed any thoughts of them being younger than yourself soon fade away, replaced by a view of pure professionalism and merit.
If you live in the UK you can watch the entire series here.
About
Benjamin Spall lives to laugh. He does little else. Only Logical compromises of commentaries and compositions written on a semi-regular basis. For further information, visit the about page.
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