2010: July to September

Looking ahead, what does July to September have in store for us you ask? Well you’ll be happy to hear I have all the answers once more. Roll film…

July 2010

July saw the hottest English summer on record, with temperatures soaring above lukewarm. Children heading off on their first holiday without their parents were warned to keep levels of alcohol in their bodies to a minimum, the government suggesting only 5-6 units of alcohol in any one child at any time, due to an incident at the start of the month whereby a born-again Christian child, aged eighteen, after a long round of truth or bottle took up the challenge to urinate on a Christian bus, handily located mere feet from his basic holiday accommodation.

Friends of the self-named child were quoted to have said -

“Isn’t that Christian bus used for disabled children?”

Gordon Brown was available to comment, but we were busy.

August 2010

The festival season ended on a sour note at the end of August with the 2010 Reading and Leeds Festivals drawing in thousands upon thousands of scrotty little c***s*.

I’m not just talking your average wankers. This is on a whole different level. Imagine you, in your early twenties, have just walked into a sixth form common room where everybody is a little ‘wacky’ (or, ‘a bellend’, as they are known in later life). Now imagine they’re all wearing straw hats, with their shirts off. They’ve probably got some sort of florescent pain on their body, and they’ll swap you some Harbio for a can. They’re the sort of total dicks plaguing the 2010 festival for our pleasure.

Still, look on the bright side; Razorlight are headli… oh.

* Credit for this line goes entirely to my area manager, I’ve forgotten his name, while working at said festival in 2008.

September 2010

BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SCHOOL, EVERYBODY GO BACK TO SCHOOL. In September, Miley Cryus had to take a break from filming the sequel to her hit feature film ‘Miley Cyrus: Take Me As You Will’ to go back to school after complains from parents flooded the internet suggesting that she’s a total fucking idiot. I disagree. Mental? Yes. An idiot? Decide for yourself -

October – November, soon.