The climate may be doomed, but the pandas will march on

I don’t care for important, long-winded news stories.

I know I should care. I know I should turn on Sky News, see the report on screen concerning the Copenhagen Summit or Iraq Inquiry, and sit down listening intensely for the entirety of the report until my intellect is so huge I’m late for work due to my head refusing to fit on any mode of transport invented since the beginning of time – but I simply don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t jump for joy the moment a story involving kittens stuck in a tree comes up, but at the same time I find it very difficult to look at the front of The Independent without thinking “Please leave me alone” (at this point please do not assume I am a Daily Mail or Express reader. They’re awful in their own racist Diana-dragging-out ways. Here I’m solely concentrating on news stories so importantly boring you honestly consider putting on ‘In the Night Garden’ just so the colours can assist you in regaining conciousness).

Sometimes even the news readers can’t pretend to care. “100 people were killed in a suicide bomb in Baghdad today… And now over to Paul with the weather, I hear it’s going to be another chilly night Paul”.

A selection of the exciting headlines the Independent have thrown up recently include -

Met Office reveals last decade was the hottest ever recorded

Yaaawwnn…

Sea levels may rise three times more than first thought

…nnnnn…

Emin work to feature in climate change exhibition

…zzzzzz…

For the sake of our own sanity I suggest all headlines, over the coming months, should be replaced by facts found within this breakthrough piece of literature by David O’Doherty, Claudia O’Doherty and Mike Ahern.

If this panda-based dream were to become a reality we would be saying goodbye to dull climate-afghanistan-bankers-baghdad headlines and saying hello to…

Hear no Panda, Smell no Panda

“The panda smells through its ears and hears through its nose, technically making its nose its ears, and its ears its nose.”

Top Attraction

“A blindfolded panda will always head north. This is due to the iron content in the panda’s liver, which makes the animal slightly magnetic.”

Pox Shock

“Pandas are immune to all human illnesses except chicken pox. However, if a panda becomes infected, they suffer none of the usual human symptoms. Instead, on the tenth day of the illness, the animal’s eyeballs will fall out.”

So please join me in my attempt to block out the ridiculously boring self-important headlines of the outside world in favour of humour. The climate may be doomed, but the pandas will march on.

Panda facts courtesy of http://100factsaboutpandas.com.

All images: Courtesy of David O’Doherty, Claudia O’Doherty and Mike Ahern.