Stress-free City move? I wouldn’t count your Olives on it

It leaves you feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions on completion. After several long months you feel overjoyed, disorientated, and even somewhat beaten down. You have reached the end of the road, giving in now is the only way you can be at peace again.

You have just signed a contract on a new flat.

I’m not referring to the buying market here. I’m sure that has problems of its own. The rental market however, in the UK, in particular (from personal experience) London, is staggering at this moment in time.

This summer I moved flat. This wasn’t a rare occurrence for me – I have moved year on year since starting University – but this was certainly the most difficult move to date.
They say the two most stressful events in your life are getting married and moving house. On that token, this summer I married, divorced, and fathered four kids in the space of a month.

If it wasn’t the slimy estate agents, it was the impossible viewing hours, unnecessarily forceful negotiators and – in several cases – criminals in our mists.

Take this one email I received from a lovely con artist called ‘Olive’.

Hello,
Thanks for the email and nice to read from you,i can assure you of the viewing but i will like to discuss some thing with you, as you know am in Liverpool currently and before i can come down to London for the viewing i will like to see a proof of your financial capacity and to know how serious you are in need of the property…  You will pay 3 months rent cash (£1890) to any of your friend, family,after you’ve made the transfer finish you will be given a receipt from the western union agent,you will have to scan and email me the receipt…
You can view the property next day after you prove the payment or when you have time.
Best Regards…

Best Regards Olive? Best regards indeed. Your poor attempt to con me may have put me off the delicious fruit (I looked it up) of your name for life but you didn’t get any money out of me. In all seriousness, I know it seems somewhat obvious by the terrible spelling and wacky concepts (at one point Olive complained that prospective tenants always “banging the phone on me”), but if you request details in a property and get anything along these lines, just ignore it. Or write a sweary blog about it, highlighting what a repugnant coward somebody like ‘Olive’ is.

Interestingly, Olive has my phone number.

But enough from the faceless, looking for a flat wouldn’t be the same without the estate agents. You feel dirty after being in their presence for more than a couple of minutes. When you shake their hand you swear you can feel them melting into you. They could have been doing anything with that hand prior to you happily marrying yours with theirs for a few short seconds – but that’s the nature of the game. The only requirements you need to be an active estate agent are:

1. Own your own car.
2. Be a total tosser.

That’s it. And if you can chew on gum throughout the day without at any point feeling a little bit sick you’re promoted within an instant.

So yes. It may be that I just didn’t go to the right places, or see the right people. But to be honest, they all seemed the same to me (save a couple of genuinely nice estate agents I met along the way… if you’re moving to SW16 or SW2 any time soon get in touch). They’d sell a burning building to a granny if they knew they’d be able to rush a payment along in time. And as for dear Olive, or Clive, or Dave, or whoever she is, I wish you every failure in all that you do.

Enough of this. I’m off to wash my hands.